The Big "But"

How many times have you been optimistically engaged in a conversation and everything is going really well until the person you are speaking with slides in the word "BUT"? You see, using the word "but" in a sentence essentially invalidates everything that came before it. For example:

• Jim, you’re did a great job on the painting, but you didn’t do the required clean up.
• Rhonda, you have really flourished at the front desk, but you are really disorganized.

Basically, the only thing Jim is hearing is he didn’t do a good job.  All Rhonda feels is she has failed somewhere. In linking the compliment to the “but,” you effectively zeroed out any real compliment. Think about it, would you ever tell your spouse that he or she looks great "but"…?  Not if you want to stay married you wouldn’t.  

To most successfully communicate, you should avoid enmeshing your criticisms and compliments. When you deliver bad news by first giving good news for 9 minutes followed with the big "but" hidden at the end of the conversation, you confuse the real intention of the conversation. How do you avoid this communication pitfall? It’s best to try to compliment and criticize on different occasions but if that’s not possible, at least avoid the enmeshing “but.” And what might the separate communication look like?

• Jim, you did a great job on the painting. Thank you for your attention to detail. I would like you to work on site clean up moving forward, maybe develop some strategies to improve this area.
• Rhonda, you have really flourished at the front desk. I have heard from several customers how friendly and helpful you’ve been and I really appreciate hearing that. I would like you to pay attention to your organizational skills and I am happy to help you if you need some direction there.

See how the compliment and criticism has been delivered separately? Likewise, both Jim and Rhonda in this example have been given some critical feedback but empowered to come up with a solution on their own first. Avoid use "but" in relationship to a person and try to keep critical statements action-oriented and stick with “I” statements where possible.

Limiting the use of "but" in reference to other people has made my own communication as a leader more genuine and effective.  When I want to deliver true compliments, people aren’t left holding their breath waiting for the big "but." I have become a far more effective communicator now that I have reduced the size of my "but" in my communication style.